i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize