i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I think I sprained my soul last night
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
