Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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