Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
