I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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