I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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