There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
