she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
