I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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