I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
