i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
