oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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