my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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