My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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