wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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