Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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