im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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