You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
