I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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