And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
