put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
