and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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