im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize