I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
