Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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