Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
