"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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