I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This house was built for laser tag.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
