Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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