guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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