My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
