I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
