her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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