On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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