I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
