and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
