ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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