phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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