Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize