Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
