I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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