There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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