if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
