Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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