I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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