I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize