Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
