my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
