Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
