I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize