He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
