My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
