that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
