Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
