I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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