Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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