Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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