Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
