Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize