just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
