Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
