So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
