It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
